News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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