I hate all girls vehemently.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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