I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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