When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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