If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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