I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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