she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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