Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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