In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is wine microwaveable?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize