I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
