Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
