Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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