Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize