You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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