Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
