I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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