I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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