The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
