He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
two words: eviction party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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