so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
