Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
