just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
