I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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