I think I won the penis lottery.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
