Taylor Swift is so right about you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
