I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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