I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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