i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize