No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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