Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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