saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
