I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
