fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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