Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
