how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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