How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize