I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
