Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
