When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
