My hand turned me down
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you win again, gameday.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're like the curious george of whores
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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