You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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