everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
