you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
