Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
