I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she pinky promised me she was 18
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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