you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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