My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
