He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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