I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
