I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
