my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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