Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
