The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize