everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
