You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
