She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize