Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
