what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
