upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
