Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
