I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
