does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
