i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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