So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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