i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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