I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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