i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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