in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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