Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
